1.19.2018

Motherhood & Things That Make Me Stabby - Part II

Motherhood will completely change you. You will see life through rose colored glasses and develop an immense amount of patience like you've never known before.

Just kidding. 

Lack of sleep and raging hormones might make you a monster. Obviously, I love my baby and would chew the leg off anyone that looked at her the wrong way like a rabid hound. But on most days, I'm still just my normal self - full of hostility and rage for minor inconveniences.





I touched on this before and you can see that here in Part I. Below is an addendum to that list.

-The fact that I sounded like such a tool in the Part I post.. why did anyone give me Internet privileges in 2014? 

-Photobucket. They hacked all our photos unless we want to pay something like $400 a year... Obviously I don't have $400 because I needed your free site to host my photos. 

-The tiny little plastic pieces in brand new babies clothes, sheets, towels, and toys. You know the pieces that hold together a group of towels - they are clear plastic with a skinny end and larger flat end? There are typically 50 in any given baby item and no matter how hard you try to remove them all you'll miss at least 5. And those 5 pieces will scratch the shit out of your baby when you're trying to dress them or dry them off. 

-Diaper cream. It is the thickest, stickiest goo that I have ever encountered. When Stella goes off to college instead of arming her with pepper spray I am going to give her diaper cream to carry in her purse. If ever she needs to ward off an attacker I will instruct her to cover herself completely in diaper cream making it impossible for the attacker to grab her. She will slip out of his grip allowing her to get away. The police will be able to easily identify the attacker because diaper doesn't come off for days.

-When you pour the conditioner in your hand thinking it's shampoo when you start to wash your hair in the shower.

-These kind of commercials:"If you are interested in patio awnings call 1-800-555-5555. Again if you are interested - please call 1-800-555-5555 at 1-800-555-5555. 1-800-555-5555, again, 1-800-555-5555 for patio awnings. Don't forget to call 1-800-555-5555. 1-800-555-5555."
I need to see the research on these types of commercials and how effective they actually are. Or better yet, I'd like to see the statistical data on the demographic these commericals sell to.. because I'm picturing someone who still says shit like "Get 'er done!" and goes to tractor pulls at county fairs.

-When you drop your cellphone on your face while laying on your back.

-How eating healthy = more dishes. That is my biggest problem with eating healthy. I know, first world problems. But it is so much easier to throw in a frozen pizza than to get out 50 dishes and utensils to make a healthy meal at home.

-Getting peanut butter out of the bottom of the jar. I manage to get peanut butter up to my elbows during this process.

-When pasta water boils over and makes a mess of the stove top. And yes, I use the wooden spoon trick but apparently our water is extra bubbly because nothing stops it.

-How every single person I went to high school with is now selling Rodan & Fields, LuLaRoe, Isagenix, Advocare, Scentsy, Lipsense, Young Living essential oils, Paparazzi jewelry and whatever else. Are these people actually making money? If so, sign me up but I am totally skeptical that your $5 bracelet is making you any profit. I appreciate their hustle but my Facebook feed reminds me of those annoying mall kiosk people who chase you down to "ask you a question" and give you lotion samples.

-When you follow a car to the same destination. This just happened to me going to the grocery store and the woman called me out on it "Ohhh I've been in your way since you left your house!" Yup, actually Carol you have been in my way. All I needed was 1 lime for guacamole which should have been a 10 minute errand but since you drive slower than molasses it took 10 minutes to just get to the store. And then low and behold who pulls into the parking spot I wanted? And then whose cart is blocking the produce section directly in front of the limes...

See? Motherhood hasn't changed me, yet.

What are things that make you stabby?

Sincerely and Sarcastically,

Nancy 

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