This post is inspired by the hundreds of YouTube videos I see posted about morning routines from vloggers and beauty guru's. And I just want to call bullshit. No ones morning goes that calmly or perfectly. And if it does - I hope you step on a Lego. Below is an example of my typical weekday morning routine.
My Morning Routine
Awake suddenly and violently thinking I missed my alarm. Look at phone and see I have 30 more minutes to sleep only to realize I have to pee. I then have a silent battle with myself trying to decide if I should hop out of bed to pee or lay there for 30 minutes with a bursting bladder.
Begrudgingly get out of bed to pee. Stub toe on dresser while walking out of bedroom which wakes the sleeping dog who thinks I'm now an intruder. Stumble over the dog and run down the stairs to the bathroom. No toilet paper. Sprint to kitchen closet for toilet paper and then back to bathroom.
Run back up the stairs so the creatures of the night don't get me. Stub toe on bedpost while climbing into bed.
Alarm goes off. Struggle to locate phone on the nightstand in the dark. Drop it in between nightstand and bed. Wake up Mitch who is confused thinking HIS alarm is going off. Yell at him: "I dropped my fucking phone! Its not yours! AkjdkfjsRGH!"
Find phone. Pull blankets over my head to hide the cellphone light so I don't wake up Mitch again and browse through facebook/instagram/twitter. Drop phone on my face.
Slither out of bed and into the bathroom to shower. Normally I manage to get shampoo or face wash in my eyes, lose my balance and then nearly fall and crack my skull open on side of the tub. This instantly wakes me up so I don't need coffee right away.
Turn off shower. Reach for towels - FORGOT to get towels. Sadly shake my naked body to get some of the water off then step out of shower and walk across the cold bathroom floor to the towel rack.
Put in my contacts. Moisturize and prime my face before layering pounds of make up on to hide the dark circles. Most mornings I drop the mascara wand on my face or smudge my eyeliner and then have to wipe away half of the freshly applied make up to clean off the black mascara/eyeliner mess. If this doesnt happen - I consider the day a great success.
Turn on straightener to warm it up. Blow dry hair haphazardly and in no clear direction because no one has time for a "blow out" at 5am. Reach for straightener and burn fingers. At this point I normally give up and half ass style my hair hoping that it looks more "intentionally messy" instead of "homeless crack head messy."
Rummage through closet like a raccoon trying to find something to wear. Pull 15 shirts, 3 skirts, 4 pairs of pants and high school prom dress out of the closet. Crazily try everything on and then settle on one of the same 5-6 outfits I wear weekly. I typically leave all the other clothes I tried on in a heaping pile on the floor so I have something to complain about when I get home from work.
Throw on some accessories and pack an extra sweater or jacket into my work bag in case I get cold or spill something on myself throughout the day. Run downstairs to look in fridge for some sort of breakfast food to go. Run back upstairs to get shoes. Run downstairs to find car keys. Gather purse, work bag, etc.
Run out the door and into the car. Get halfway down the road and remember I left my cellphone on the nightstand. Proceed to have a Matthew Perry moment ......
...and then turn around to get cellphone.
Arrive at work and start my day.
Please tell I am not the only one with a morning routine like this?
Sincerely & Sarcastically,